Battle of the Brides

Weddings. A celebration of love, fidelity, and commitment. Couples seeking God's blessing on their future together. Friends and family coming together in support and witness. But also tensions between the in-laws. Far-flung members of dysfunctional families suddenly brought together once again. Domineering mothers. Fathers consumed by debt. Groomsmen still under the influence of the bachelor party. And then there's the matter of conflict between bride and church, usually over music selection.

• The bride wants "We've Only Just Begun" because it was sung at her mother's wedding, but the organist won't play secular music.
• The bride wants her Uncle Charlie, who took piano lessons as a kid, to play the organ, but Uncle Charlie doesn't really play the organ and needs the church organist to show him how it works.
• The bride wants what she thinks of as traditional processional and recessional music, but again, the organist won't play it and can't convince her to accept the same music Princess Diana had at her wedding.
• The couple wants Holy Communion as part of the service, but only for themselves.
• The couple has written their own vows and parts of the service, but they have removed mention of anything sacred.
• The bride's father is the church's largest financial contributor and is trying to bully the pastor and musicians into giving in to the bride's wishes.
• The pastor doesn't handle conflict well and has told the musician to take care of things, but everyone knows that the musician has no authority to make such decisions. Chances are, the pastor will give in.
• The bride has asked her aunt to take charge of the rehearsal, to act as stage manager or director, to make sure that everyone is in the right place at the right time and things go in proper order. The aunt, of course, has no knowledge of nor interest in the sacred nature of a wedding service.
• A friend of the groom has been asked to take live photos during the ceremony from a variety of vantage points, while one of the bride's uncles will be videotaping.

Does The United Methodist Church provide any help or guidelines? Is there any official denominational policy to appeal to in such conflicts? The answer is yes. Here is what our United Methodist Book of Worship (pp. 115-116), officially adopted by the General Conference of our church, requires:

• The marriage service parallels the Sunday service, including sermon, prayer, and praise.
• Content of the service is thoroughly Christian.
• Husband and wife are equal partners in the marriage, entered into voluntarily.
• The congregation is an active participant, not a passive witness. Hymn singing is encouraged.
• If Holy Communion is to be served, then the marriage service is part of the Service of Word and Table. All present shall be invited to receive, but without pressure to do so.
• The decision to perform the ceremony is entirely the pastor's, in accordance with UMC and state laws.
• The pastor approves all plans, agreed to in premarital counseling with the couple, including informing them of local church policies regarding decorations, photography, recording, etc.
• The pastor of the church shall approve of and invite participation by other clergy.
• The organist or musician in charge should be consulted and work with the couple in all decisions on music selection.
• The pastor may make adaptations to the service.

What is clear is that the pastor is in charge of the service content, participants, leadership, and liturgy. The couple's and family's desires must be approved by the pastor. The musician plays only a consultative role without real authority to enforce any particular policy.

So how should we deal with conflict over weddings? Here are some possibilities:

• Everything can be left up to the pastor, including the hard decisions and enforcement.
• The church council, in consultation with the pastor, can come up with its own set of policies that shall be applied to all weddings in the church, thus relieving the pastor of much of the responsibility. A wedding policy booklet should be prepared and given to every prospective couple.
• All musical matters can be delegated to the church musician or organist to administer in accordance with the written and approved policies of the church or the instruction and backing of the pastor.

The key is to deal with potential conflicts before the wedding day, either in counseling, consultation, or by official policy statement. Don't avoid bringing them up, hoping that they won't appear.

Here are some helpful resources:

Local Church Wedding Policy
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